Thundering Over Faux Guacamole

By Frank J. Gruber

December 4 -- Readers expect columnists to have opinions, the stronger the better. Ballplayers in the Dominican Republic say "no one walks off the island" and no one gets to write op-eds for the New York Times without swinging away either.

These strong opinions are of the no-risk variety. How often has a newspaper or TV news department dropped a columnist or commentator for being wrong? I haven't heard of any that fired pundits who said let's go invade Iraq.

And I like to be opinionated myself, but then sometimes the complexity of local politics -- so much more nuanced than the national variety -- flummoxes me. For instance, how am I supposed to thunder about the latest iteration of the School District's financial problems -- the District may have overextended itself once again -- and the resignation of the CFO? (see story)

Should I write that the District recklessly caved into greedy teachers when in fact I believe that teachers are underpaid and the problem is that most Californians are not willing to pay enough taxes for good schools? (At least with the school finance story I can punt and defer any analysis until after I attend the informational workshop the Board has scheduled for four this afternoon at District headquarters.)

I could also write about the latest fees, for childcare facilities and public art, that City Council is adding to the cost of developing property, but I am even more befuddled about that. (see story) It's a classic, "one hand ABC, but on the other hand XYZ" situation.

It's not fair to put the burden for social goodies on a narrow range of taxpayers -- those people who are investing money in real estate -- when we live in a state where people like me, because of Prop. 13, live in homes that have greatly appreciated in value, but pay taxes on only a fraction of those values because we've owned our properties for a long time.

But I also believe that the costs of businesses and development should not be externalized. When it comes to suburban development, for instance, I believe that developers should pay much more of the cost of the infrastructure -- historically subsidized -- that underpins the economics of sprawl.

It always seems, however, that investors are hit up for more taxes and fees in the cities, where investment is needed and makes sense from a social and land use perspective, while development on the fringe continues to be subsidized. I wonder if developers in the Antelope Valley or the Inland Empire have to pay a surcharge for childcare facilities or art like those Santa Monica is enacting?

I could also write about campaign finance reform, but on that I'm mixed up, too. (see story) Sure I believe there is too much money in politics, but I also believe the First Amendment wouldn't mean much if people couldn't spend money to make their views heard.

E.g., I like it when George Soros spends his money on politics.

So, devoid of categorical opinions about the important issues of the day, what's there to thunder about?

What about food?
I am outraged about faux guacamole. Last week the L.A. Times ran an article about a Los Angeles woman, one Brenda Lifsey, who sued Kraft Foods for fraud. She bought a tub of Kraft "guacamole" and found out, to her disgust, that less than two percent of it was avocado. What is guacamole if it is not avocado?

Kraft, in defending itself, took the position that most consumers "understood that guacamole was part of the company's line of flavored dips," but nonetheless the food industry behemoth is relabeling the concoction to make that more clear. In the meantime, the stuff is off the market.

But it will be back, and this only begs the question -- what, then, is a "flavored dip?" The other ingredients, aside from the avocado flavoring, included in Kraft's product were, according to the Times, "modified food starch [as opposed to laundry starch?], hefty amounts of coconut and soybean oils, and a dose of food coloring."

Apparently in the Kraft universe guacamole not only doesn't require more than a dab of avocado but a "dip" is a slurry of starch, fats and chemicals. The ultimate in manufactured food.

While Kraft's product is repulsive, and it's easy to blame agri-business, I just don't get it from the consumer's point of view either. Cue the thunder, but what's wrong with this country when people don't want to spend a few minutes getting their hands messy making real guacamole?

We're talking five minutes to peel and mash a couple of avocadoes, chop some onion, squeeze some lime juice in it, and season with salt. What's the problem?

It's not like I'm crazy -- I buy plastic tubs of fresh salsa like the next person pressed for time. But at least I can see what I'm getting and recognize the pieces as genuine pieces of food. Guacamole -- it's so elemental.

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

* * *

This last bit of the column has nothing to do with Santa Monica, except to the extent that Santa Monica is part of the region, and I'm often writing that we need to think regionally. I also once wrote a column, years ago, about how one of the wonderful things about L.A. was how season tickets to Dodger games circulated among the friends and co-workers of season ticket holders.

Well, Saturday I was the beneficiary of the long reach of the Gruber extended family when my aunt, a UCLA alumna and longtime season ticket holder, took ill and couldn't use her tickets to the Big Game. What a game it was.

Anyway, I had to share this photo. While Santa Monica is the "sea" part of "from the mountains to the sea," we are privileged to share the mountains, too. I like to think the Pier belongs to Pasadena the same way the Rose Bowl belongs to us.

The Rose Bowl, Dec. 2, 2006 Click for large picture