By Michael Aushenker
Lookout Staff

November 15, 2011 --Two years ago, I found myself in a situation. A footwear faux pas situation.

It all began on the kind of morning you dread. You’ve got a headful of plans cooking on the front burner that is your cerebrum and then Life throws you a monkey wrench…My car wouldn’t start.

And so, I accompanied AAA as we shlepped my poor, embattled Toyota to my mechanic on Colorado and 14th. An all-too-familiar ballad for me.

As was my habit on dog days like these, I abandoned my car at the garage, emerged onto Colorado Boulevard, and hoofed it over to Colorado and 4th to catch the #9 Big Blue Bus up to Pacific Palisades, where I was working at the time. I had phoned ahead to notify my employer that I had car problems, but I didn’t want to get to work too late…

I clearly remember that this fiasco happened in late July. Why? Because the week before, I had attended Comic-Con in San Diego, and on that particular trip, I had revived my interest in an old pair of black dress shoes I had lying around my closet. Yes, dress shoes. With tassels. Only God knows why…

As I approached downtown, something felt terribly off below. I looked down to notice that the sole of my left shoe had come unglued, almost completely separating from the bottom. Great. First the car, now my shoes were disintegrating before my eyes. Sure, the tassels were still hanging in there, but…

There was an uncomfortable flippy-floppy feeling that instantly drove me nuts and proved too hard to conceal. You know how you roll your eyes when you’re waiting at the crosswalk on Arizona and some hardcore exerciser arrives beside you elevated on a pair of those thingamajigs that look like Stairmaster shoes? What are they called…Kangoo Jumps? Well, it was like wearing those…but this was the bad version…and equally embarrassing.

Believe me, I’m not materialistic. I’m the last person who would flinch at the prospect of sticking it out in a lousy pair. I would wear elf shoes with jingle bells at the tip if I had to. But this made me feel beyond-the-pale self-conscious. I was too far from home to fetch another pair…and surely I couldn’t spend an entire day in a professional environment wearing these things. What to do?

As my marine layer of thoughts broke up, there stood the Sears (good ol’ dependable, venerable Sears! Hallelujah!) at Colorado and 4th, where the Big Blue Bus schedule at the stop across the street said a bus was due at 11:21 a.m. It was now 11:10. Because it’d be another half-hour until another 9 would follow, I wanted to catch this bus. I had to act fast.

Man, it was almost like espionage. Like Swiss clockwork, with a Teutonic “Terminator” efficiency and precision.

In the space of about two minutes, I entered Sears, asked the perfume counter lady to direct me to Men’s Shoes, chanced upon a rack of shoes with a 60% mark-down, and found a pair I liked that was almost in my size.

They were beautiful – black, pointy-toed slip-on dress shoes with no laces, straps, buckles, buttons…or dangling tassels (Ha!). All for under 30 bucks. That’s totally on budget. I couldn’t believe my luck.

I glanced at the clock on my cell, wondering if I could still make it up to the Palisades in time. The guy at the counter took no more than 30 seconds to retrieve an identical shoe in a size 11.

As he rung me up, I literally took off the jalopy I was wearing and Kobe’d them into a nearby garbage pail. I told him not to bother bagging them and I walked my purchase out the door…straight to the bus stop across the street…with minutes to spare before I caught the 9 up the hill.

Indulge me for a moment as I risk making generic sexist observations with this generality, but this episode to me pretty much sums up the difference between men and women when it comes to clothes shopping.

Whereas my female counterpart may have made a holiday out of shopping around and trying things on, I knew what I needed, went in there matter of factly, picked it up, and got out of there ASAP. Shopping for clothes is just not one of those things most guys want to spend time doing or thinking about anymore than they have to.

Long story short, I’ve been wearing those reliable Sears shoes ever since and have not looked back…

…Except that just last week, I began to notice that a hole forming at the bottom of one of my shoes. I’ll be downtown later this afternoon…Wonder if I have a couple of minutes today to shop for new ones…?