What is that dog dreaming about?

Friday, May 30 --You've seen us do it a million times: We're lying there on the floor peacefully sleeping when all of a sudden, our eyelids start to flutter. Our breathing grows deep and fast. Our legs begin to twitch.

You bend over to give us a closer look and you ask yourself one of the great mysteries of life: What is that dog dreaming about? And as you watch us growl and snarl in our sleep, the next two questions fall into place: Is he having a good dream or a bad dream? And should I wake him up? The moving legs could mean one of two things.

Either we're dreaming about chasing something, in which case you'd like to let us sleep. Or, if we're being chased, you'll be doing us a favor by shaking us awake. You pace back and forth. You want to do the right thing, but you don't know what the right thing is. And then, before you reach a decision, the commotion has stopped.

I assure you that we don't have the same petty dreams you humans have. For one thing, we don't have the same bourgeois Freudian concerns you have. As Sigmund states on page 93 of "The Interpretation of Dreams" (edited by LaBeeze): "Even dreams which are conspicuously innocent invariably contain course erotic messages." Personally, I'm more of a Jungian. Anyway, I haven't thought about sex since that time I visited the vet when I was six-months-old. No, we dogs do not have sexual hang-ups.

Because of our awesome mind-reading powers, we know exactly what you humans think about while you're asleep, and frankly, I think it's disgusting. You're dreams are a comic parade of idiotic worries and obsessions like paying bills, missing final exams and showing up at the office in your pajamas. Your happy dreams aren't much better. They tend to involve winning the lottery, finding your lost keys or teen-age Japanese girls wearing sailor outfits.

But you NEVER dream about us! Might I suggest next time you slip into your slumber, that you devote more REM time to the upcoming flea season, whether you have enough cans of food in case of an earthquake or why rabies shots are a really bad idea.

But enough about you. Back to our weighty canine issues. What do dogs dream about? We don't have jobs, wives, cars or mortgages. In fact, all my worldly possessions consist of a collar, a rubber ball and two bowls. You probably think that by being removed from such everyday concerns, we're free to ponder important issues. And you'd be right. Like Plato's
philosopher kings, we devote much of our time to the greater good, to the enrichment of all man and dogkind.

I guess I have yet to give a very specific answer to the immortal question, What do dogs dream about?

In plain English simple enough for you humans to understand, this is what dogs dream about:

We dream about squirrels.